Schizophrenia Blog

Thankfullness

2012-02-09T10:47:00.000-08:00

I want all of my blog followers to realize that recovery is a process.It is rare that I am symptomatic anymore. But I do at times, just here recently, had symptoms again. When I become extremely stressed, I hear voices again and become paranoid somewhat. It is very real to me, and on occassion have had to do a reality check with my therapist. I am one of the lucky ones....I do question myself when I experience these things, and I listen and follow through with what my therapist suggest.
But I want you to understand, I am so thankful, even in the midst of my voices, that I know it wont last if I continue to work at my recovery. Recovery is different for everyone, but there are reminders that we can do for ourselves to help symptoms subside, eventually. We can remind ourselves that this will pass. We can remind ourselves that we have a support system of people. (if you do not have any supportive people in your lives, then call a mental health facility and find a group,or find a Church home where you can meet new people), There are many ways to build ones support team.
I feel I am very lucky indeed. I have a great job with wonderful people I can rely on. My friends are most always there for me. I have family that cares deeply for me. And I have a Church home where I am loved and respected. It takes time to build a great support team, but it is not an unrealistic task to achieve this.
So, I want to say thank you, to my friends, family, Church, and my followers on this blog for caring.
Being thankful in everything makes a huge difference. We can learn something from everything we experience. So, try and find the positive in every situation. As bad as we may feel sometimes with having symptoms, we can learn thankfullness. After all, someday, maybe real soon, we will all find ourselves helping someone else through a tough time. In order to be really effective at helping....we need life experience. And I think we qualify.

Until Next Time, Be Thankfull.

The New Year

2012-02-08T12:51:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking....hopefully everyone's year so far is going well? I have done some rethinking on certain issues in my own life. This year, I am going to become more mindfull. More mindfull in regards to being thankful for what I already have, you know, even the basics in life. I am going to be doing less spending on myself, and be grateful for what I own already. I am going to be more mindfull about choices I make, even the smallest of choices. Another decision I have come to is that I am going to really appreciate the people in my life....accepting them as is, not wishing something to be different or try and change them. Just total acceptance. This is not a hard task in relation to friends, but it's different with family. We sometimes wish for better or different ones. And that is sad to me....because we are all worth being here, we all have a purpose and destiny to fullfill. We can forget being diagnosed for now, and just accept one another, as is. It sure makes for a happier life, a more content way to live!

Comments & Questions:

2011-07-26T12:54:00.000-07:00

I want to apologize for not being about to answer your questions or reply to your comments lately. I am having some difficulty with my blog excepting the post. But I am working hard at getting this fixed. Thanks for your patience.

2011-07-06T04:08:00.000-07:00

Life:

2011-05-22T17:02:00.000-07:00

Since I began this journey of recovery, I stop to ask myself this question on occasion.
What is life all about to me? Well, for me, life is all about being connected. Connected to the God I believe in and serve, connected to people that I care about and connected to the creation of life.

My spiritual life is one of balance. I have been told that those who have a strong spiritual life actually recover more fully. I believe this, I walk the walk, and talk the talk so to speak. I find comfort, fellowship, love and joy in my spirituality. It really does ground me.

Connecting to people is so important. People help to form who we are, they give us insight into our selves. Connecting with others instills a sense of love and affirms who we are.

And then connecting to the creation of our world, helps to bring peace and contentment. I mean, do you ever just sit and listen to a bird sing and watch a tree sway in the wind? Just simply being in the present moment and connect to all the feelings that belong only to you. This is a very powerful excercise, and I highly recommend doing it everyday, as often as you can.

Life, it's such a gift. Open it, touch it and feel the creation given to you. Experience what only You can experience. We are all unique and will have a different perspective, thats one of the things that make us all so wonderfully made!

I would really like to hear what You think life is all about. I will look forward to hearing from your hearts.

Diagnoses: Schizophrenia

2011-03-13T12:13:00.000-07:00

Something I run across ever so often is this....Some feel that a label such as schizophrenia means that, that is who they are. But the truth is, is that I am not schizophrenia. Yes, I have symptoms, or have had symptoms in the past, but that does not mean my entire identity is made up of schizophrenia.

Another thing, when we refer to someone like myself, who has been diagnosed with schizophrenia....it is best said when we say, "she has schizophrenia" or, "he is a person living with schizophrenia".....instead of referring to someone as a "schizophrenic" or being schizophrenic". Personally, it does not bother me one way or the other, but for most people diagnosed, it does matter.

One more thing. When we meet someone who has schizophrenia....lets always remember, we are not always symptomatic. Even when we are symptomatic, we are just people first. We have feelings, thoughts and opinions, just like everyone else. It may sometimes take a little longer to get your point across when we are symptomatic, but for the most part....we do get it. I see this quite a lot....where the general population thinks we are somehow ignorant and cannot follow what they are saying. Lets just remember to respect people and treat everyone with the dignity they deserve.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2011-01-05T00:33:00.000-08:00

I want to wish everyone a very happy new year.
If you are thinking that recovery is impossible, than you have not read my blog. Never, never give up. This is your year!!! But remember, Recovery is a choice that requires perseverance and dedication. Sometimes we have to try, and keep trying different med's, till we find what works for us....Some of us will recovery more fully with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.....some will choose a different rout....some of us will rely heavily on our faith....there are a million different things we do to enhance our recovery. We simply cannot give up. We must continue to try new things until we find what works for us. Because this is your year!!! I fully expect to hear from more of you who are working your recovery. Not by any means, have I "arrived" in my own recovery. Recovery truly is a process...we live it everyday of our lives. My message to you today, is never, never, give up on hope! It took me most of my childhood and adult life to beat this thing called schizophrenia.....and I am winning everyday. You CAN do this!!!! I am here for you!!!!

What I Am Doing Now:

2010-08-21T12:44:00.000-07:00

I was just thrilled to see so many new faces added to my blog! It's been a very busy two months for me. I guess I will start by saying that I have been in training to be credentialed as a Recovery Support Specialist. I am now working as an RSS in the Triage unit & also the inpatient unit at a mental health center/hospital. I am passionate about my job! I absolutely love working directly with the patients. I especially love it when we connect.
I am also still doing some public speaking which I love as well. This too is one of my all time favorite passions.
One more thing I have been involved with is a play by Chris Qualls of Auburn University. Chris has written a wonderfully creative play about mental illness. I was interviewed for one of the characters in the play. This is extemely exciting to watch a play being distributed nationally for everyone to see....learn....and grow. The name of the play is called The Synaptic Gap. I hope everyone will be looking for this script and put in on for everyone to see. I feel honored to have met Chris, he is a wonderfully creative, intelligent, well spoken man.

Thanks to all who continue to post and make comments on this blog. You are all fantastic in my book!!!!

Unitl next time.

Voluneering

2010-03-15T13:39:00.000-07:00

Today, I want to touch on a subject close to my heart. Being a volunteer.

My first volunteer job was at a college in Texas. I worked in a Neurobiology lab. I truly loved volunteering there. I learned a great deal about the human body with emphasis on the brain and spinal cord. I learned to do surgery's with the students. I learned to read an EMG machine to test the muscle's. I learned to measure solutions and mix chemicals. I also learned how to run the autoclave machine to clean the glass ware. I tended to the animals, cleaning up after them and feeding them. I made some life long friends that I still to this day talk with.

Later, I started volunteering at a hospital. I would push wheelchairs with patients to their cars upon discharge. I answered the phone and passed out meal trays.

Still later, I began volunteering at the PACT office, (Program For Assertive Community Treatment). After a year or so at the PACT office I transfered to the main office, a mental health center in Triage, doing a lot of filing and making some great new friends. I later transfered from Triage to their inpatient unit. After volunteering on the inpatient unit for several months I was hired part time as a Peer Recovery Support Specialist. This is still my job today. I advocate for my patients rights, I listen to their hurts and fears, I supply them with educational materials about thier diagnoses. I faciliate a community meeting sanctuary model every Monday through Friday. I also faciliate whats called the Round Table Support Group, where we discuss just about anything on the patients mind. I am primarily there to support the patients in what ever way I can. I truly love what I do.

Now for my reason why I felt a need to write about volunteering. Volunteering is not only a way to reach out to other people, but it is a way to get your foot in the door so to speak, perhaps landing a job in the future.

When we volunteer, our confidence level increases substantially. We are learning a new trade, we are learning to communicate effectively, we are learing to make friends and work with our co-workers, and get a long even when there are so many differences. Our motivation increases as we develop a new passion. Our endurance also increases over time.

Volunteering is so rewarding! We not only get to help someone else, but we ultimately help ourselves.

I highly recommend finding something to volunteer at. Maybe a department store, a Church, your town hall, a school, hopsital, a food establishment, or help an ederly person with thier house or yard, the list is endless.

Maybe your saying to yourself that you are just not motivated or maybe you do not know where your passion is yet. That's okay. The motivation and passion will come in time as you try new things. Passion is something you feel good about doing....something you feel valiadted for....even if only from oneself. Passion is something you feel very strongly about, and compelled to see it come to pass inside, and from you. We all have them, passions, sometimes we just aren't aware of exactly what it is yet.

You can do this! I know you can, because I did it.

Let me hear from you and tell me what you have decided. I look forward to your comments!

Presentation I gave on being an inpatient

2009-12-10T22:13:00.000-08:00

The outside world can be a very frightening place to be. Now....add to this, terror...paranoia...delusions...anxiety...hallucinations....and a lost sense of identity. The people who are suppose to care about us have all abandoned us long ago for the most part. There may be a few people who have stayed around, but it doesn't really matter in our minds because we are not able to connect with them the way we are suppose to. We are totally and helplessly lost in our own minds. We are scared. We are alone. And we no longer want to live this way.

What we need, is someone, anyone who can understand...who can listen...and who can explain this phenomenon to us. We want to be helped out of this existance we are living in but we do not know how to ask...so we may become angry....we may lash out at someone....we may cry....we may even laugh when there is no apparent reason for it....we may turn inward and refuse to interact....we may appear to be attention seeking....but the truth is, is that we are hurting. And we want desperatly to be better.

This is what we need from you....We need to be understood. We need for you to take us seriously. We are not playing some game and asking you to be the score keeper. We need someone, anyone, to really see us....to really hear us tell our stories and to have empathy, to really feel what we are going through.
Even your tone of voice has an impact on us. When your tone is lighthearted....giddy...loud....you can come across as not being very caring, do you not realize that our hearing is very sensitive right now, and for some of us, your joking manner is harmful. We are not here for your entertainment either. We are your patients. We need for you to see us as your patients, isnt that the whole reason you are all here? To help us, to see us grow and become everything we are capable of? We are more than able to succeed at our recovery....but we need you to believe in us....and never loose sight of this goal.

Being in a mental hospital is petrifying....and still other times it is the only safe place we have to escape too. None of us would be here if we had some place better to recovery. But we need help, we need asstistance in staying healthy and becoming healthy in a world that has shown little interest in us. We are all to aware that some of you think we are hopeless cases. That we will never quit drinking, never quit the drugs and never regain our sanity. But then....there are those of you who we watch work. And you are so compassionate with us. You really spend time with us listening to our hurts and ours fears. You see....we are aware of those of you who pssess emapthy. We see you interact with our peers and we know why you are here. Your kindness never escapes us.

We are desperatly seeking hope. And when you instill this hope within us....there is no stopping our determination to recover more fully. You are the hope we have been searching for, probably most of our lives. We are so grateful to the staff...to everyone who has shown they truly know where we are coming from. Because without you....we could never learn the secret....the secret of hope. Without you....we may never have another chance to find hope....and without hope....where would we go? What would come of us? So....what we are desperatly seeking from you is hope....hope in a future free from alcohol....free from drugs....and free to have clarity of mind. We will always rememeber you for teaching us about hope. We will never forget who instilled this hope within us....because for once in our lives....someone, believed in us. For everything you are teaching us, about taking our medications, about our self confidence, about our relationships, and about having hope....we thank you. Without all of you....where would we go?

50th Birthday

2009-10-01T21:25:00.000-07:00

What an incredible day! I was given four parties! My first party was with my wonderful patients in our Round Table support group.....second, two friends took me to lunch.....third, the staff gave me a great party, with flowers and gifts and two cakes....and fourth, my husband, Steve, took me to dinner with two other friends. This was absolutley the best birthday I have ever had! Never before have I been able to enjoy and experience recovery in quiet this way. I mean....it is just pure joy!

Tomorrow I will be joining my daughter in Texas to celebrate my birthday once again. I am truly blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life.

Today has just been another testiment to how recovery gives us our lives back to enjoy the things we could not really completely enjoy before. I am so thankful for my friends and family.

And....I am truly grateful to Pete & Elle for providing this blog to me....too all of us!

My Adult Symptoms

2009-09-18T00:35:00.000-07:00

Have you ever experienced a rose? I mean, really experienced what it would be like to be a rose? I have. Hallucinations can be scary thats for sure...but this one was quiet pleasant. I actually traveled into a rose pettle. I became that rose. The rose was alive, moving and breathing and really loving itself. It was made up of thousands of living cells and had the consistancy of a lotion. The smell went throughout my body. This experience was a lesson I believed, to teach me about self love. I had many such experiences.
At times, I would actually become apart of objects, such as a porch swing, and I could feel myself swaying in the wind.
My paranoia was endless. I always believed other people were constantly talking negatively about me, watching me and out to get me.
I believed with all certainty that people, especially my mother, was trying to poison me.
I could not eat out for fear the cook was tampering with my food before serving it to me.
I heard mean, demeaning voices that were always putting me down and commenting on my behavior.
I was usually unkept, not liking to shower or do my hair. (unless I was going to see the doctor).
My symptoms were endless.
I have not hallucinated, been paranoid or heard voices in about five years now.
I admit though, there are things I actually miss about the hallucinations. For instance....I miss all the valuable lessons my hallucinations used to teach me, life lessons. I miss the feeling of being special and specially chosen.
You have to understand....this was the only life I ever experienced. I did not know any other way. So, when I became recovered, I truly did not have a clue who I was any more.
On my own, I found myself a therapist. Jodi A., my therapist, helped me to find myself, so to speak. I am forever grateful to this lady for showing me who I truly am.
This is just one reason why I am always saying to people, to get some good Cognitive Behavioral Therapy while your recovering. Because it is a terrifing experience to realize you dont even know yourself any more.
Thanks to everyone for posting. I look forward to hearing from everyone.

Belief

2009-09-11T03:04:00.000-07:00

Is there anyone who has believed in you? In your recovery? I have to say that the one person who never failed to believe in me, was my daughter, Ashley. There were several people who acually believed in my recovery, but no one was consistent except my daughter Ashley and my therapist. They never, never gave up on me. There is a very high corilation in the fact that those of us who have significant people in our lives who do believe in us, recovery quicker and much fuller. For those of you have no one to believe in you....then I highly suggest finding a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist who you can trust and who will be your cheerleader. I know how good therapy works, I still go to my appointmenst regularly. I would not trade anything for what my therapist has taught me. I am a much more recovered, happy and confident person for have knowing her. So....thanks to Jodi A. and my sweet daughter Ashley for believeing in me! Tell me about the person/persons who believe in you and your recovery.

My Childhood Symptoms

2009-08-27T01:38:00.000-07:00

Blessings everyone! I thought this morning I would tell you about how I came to be diagnosed with schizophrenia. My symptoms started when I was around seven years old. I used to hear someone, occasionally my mother, call my name in a hurried loud voice. When I would go to see who was calling me, there would be no one there. This happened on a daily bases. I had my first hallucination at the age of three my mother tells me. I still can recall this incident well. I could see black spiders coming at me all at once, everywhere, I was screaming for help but could not see that my mother was by my side. It was a living nightmare. As things progressed, my perceptions began to change. I felt the floor move while trying to walk, it is impossible to do. I felt as if I were in a dream most of my life, nothing seemed real to me. I saw halo's around people's heads and when they spoke it did not seem real and the sound of their voices would echo. I could feel someone touching me when there was really no one there. My symptoms were endless. The paranoia began to grow as I matured. I was certain that people, anyone, were talking about me negatively. This paranoia only got worse as time went by. I always had a feeling of doom, like the world was going to end at any moment. I would see ghost. I would see angels. I even saw Jesus Christ. Once I saw worms in the skillet while trying to cook for myself. When I would look into a mirror, my face became distorted and I appeared to be a monster. In middle school I thought I had been chosen to be apart of a very special group of children to solve the problems of the world. I believed in my heart that I was very intelligent and was specially chosen. This was not at all true, I was never chosen special to be apart of any group, and the room where we would meet was actually just a janitors closet, and the children were only a figment of my imagination. The group never existed. Things just progressively got worse for me as I matured into an adult. I will cover my adult years at a later time. I was finally diagnosed with schizophrenia at about the age of thirty. Please tell me about your own experiences. We have so much to say, and by saying it, we can help so many other people. Thank you!

Blog feedback

2009-08-04T05:47:00.000-07:00

Some feeback I am getting is that the blog will not accept your comments. If you will go to the upper right hand corner and click on "Sign In" you will be able to leave your questions & comments. I look forward to hearing from everyone. Thank you, Kim

What is Recovery

2009-07-28T18:23:00.000-07:00

Everyone has their own idea's about recovery. So what exactly is recovery? Recovery to me, means that I am no longer living a lie. I have accepted my diagnoses and take responsibility for the outcome of my life. No longer do I focus on the negative aspects of my diagnoses but am moving forward and focus on my goals and passions. I motivate myself to reach those goals and persevere until I am content with the outcome. Recovery is practicing self love. Self love, starts when we begin to speak positive affirmative thoughts to ourselves. One's self esteem may be in the pits, but when we begin to speak life into our spirit being we actually begin to believe in ourselves again. This takes time and practice....this is where the perseverance comes in. When we begin to really like who we are through positive self talk, we begin to have hope. This hope, can bring us to a place where we may have never before visited. A place where we can see ourselves living fully, happily, content and active in society. We can all attain recovery when we actively search for it...never giving up on the hope. If we are living and breathing then we can have hope. The next breath we breathe is belief in a future. If one can breathe, then one can believe. We are the only one's who can bring this hope to light. No one else can put this hope within us. Try and visualize a life with hope & recovery is just a stepping stone away. Recovery is work! When we choose recovery we are stating that our lives are not what we had imagined it to be and we choose differently today. We are choosing to fight for our future. We are choosing to find a new way to manage our lives. We choose positive affirmative choices that will lead us into the recovery process. Everyone's choices will be different to some degree...but they will always be positive and lead us to new avenues to where we will be a success. Success is not measured by what position one has or how much money one makes. Success is measured by the quality of life and love one has for self and others. A person can be ranked at the bottom as far as a career and be as broke as a church mouse, but when we love ourselves and others, when we begin to learn empathy and when we begin to reach out towards others, we learn self love. And when we have self love, we find success and true happiness. Recovery then, is a state of self love and acceptance. Whatever your diagnoses, if one has self love and love for others, then and only then, is recovery fully reached. It is a choice. A choice which takes patience and perseverance, a choice that requires hope, a choice that must be made on a daily bases and a choice we must all attain to if we are to recover more fully. Life is all about choices. Choose to be active in recovery and never, never give in to the negative aspects life has to offer. It's our own choice, we must choose hope.

Oil on Water - A Film about Schizophrenia

2009-07-28T01:28:00.000-07:00

Welcome

2009-07-27T08:13:00.000-07:00

I would like to welcome everyone to my blog. Please feel free in asking questions or making a comment in regards to schizophrenia. I am looking forward to meeting all of you.

Welcome to our schizophrenia blog!

2009-07-24T09:41:00.001-07:00

This blog has been created as a forum for open, honest discussion around the subject of schizophrenia. Please feel free to contribute your views and share your experiences, particularly if you feel they will be of benefit and support to others.