Making Changes

This is a happy time in my life. I have decided to go back to school. It has been a difficult decision whether or not to quit my part time job, which was a dead end job for me and just go back to school. But, I finally came to the conclusion that since my job was going no where after four years of service, I decided to make some changes. I am excited about this new adventure! If anyone has any suggestions they think may help me succeed, please comment! I look forward to hearing from you all!

Forgiveness & Love

I have been doing a lot of work here lately on love. Then I began to realize that for me to be able to love fully, beyond what I have already learned, I had to forgive myself for not remembering who I belong too. My faith is very important to me. But I am finding out that I have not remembered just how important, how loved and adored I am by my creator. So, I have to forgive myself for forgetting the very thing I seek.In order for me to fully understand God's love for me and know Him in the way I seek, forgiveness is essential. There are many levels in which one can reach in learning to love. We can love ourselves, we can love others, we can love the world...then there is a deeper love. Loving God. I believe we were created to love Him, God. Not the way many do though, I dont think. I mean, yes, we show Him love by going to Church, by helping others and being a light for folks. But I just feel there is a deeper level of loving our creator. I can experience Him when I hear the birds sing, when I watch a flower grow, when I see with my minds eye, the very depths of His creation. That means seeing others the way He see's them too. Not superficially, but really taking the time to know someone, fully. To know where they have been,to know their thoughts and feelings. I dont know, maybe we can never fully know someone besides ourselves....but we Must try. In order to show Him our depth of love...we must somehow reach a level of intimacy with others that I think few are willing to try. NOt everyone feels so inclined to be known to another. And then just maybe, we do not have to know all the ends and outs of a persons life, but just be able to love them inspite of all the stories. To love them where they are at at any given moment. In fact, that is how Jesus loves isnt it?

Family:

I have been thinking a lot about my family. For the most part, since my recovery, my family has been very supportive. But it wasn't always like this. I am sure many of you have experienced being abandoned by those who you thought loved you. And the more I think about this, this is what I have concluded. Most of my family did not come around when I was very ill. But it wasnt because they did not love me, it was because they were fearful of something they knew nothing about. They no longer knew how to relate to me. It was up to me, and still is, to educate them. I had to be honest and up front about my experiences. To be perfectly honest, it is still hard for some of them to accept that I still have symptoms occasionally, they are still in denial at times. Then there are two of my family members who have nothing to do with me because I was honest about my past experiences, namely, the abuse I endured as a child. I had to conclude in my own mind that their reasons for not loving me has nothing to do with me as a person or their child. It has to do with their own insecurities, their own faults an their own selfishness. I forgave those who abandoned me and it no longer affects my life. I secretly dream of having all my family intact and supportive of me, but I realize this is just a dream and will never become a reality. Number one, because I would never allow someone in my life who I could not trust, a family member who did not love me unconditionally. We need to remember our boundaries, and when there are those who do not care, do not love, or are not supportive, then we must set up boundaries to protect ourselves. Families can be difficult, but for the most part, they are our main support system for a lot of people. I guess what I would like to say about that, is, we all have to make our peace with family. Even if we must not allow some of them in our lives. BUt in order to move on and be happy, we must learn to forgive them. Remember, forgiveness is for us, not the person who harmed us. We cannot move forward if we are unable to forgive. Till next time, be joyful!

Thankfullness

I want all of my blog followers to realize that recovery is a process.It is rare that I am symptomatic anymore. But I do at times, just here recently, had symptoms again. When I become extremely stressed, I hear voices again and become paranoid somewhat. It is very real to me, and on occassion have had to do a reality check with my therapist. I am one of the lucky ones....I do question myself when I experience these things, and I listen and follow through with what my therapist suggest.
But I want you to understand, I am so thankful, even in the midst of my voices, that I know it wont last if I continue to work at my recovery. Recovery is different for everyone, but there are reminders that we can do for ourselves to help symptoms subside, eventually. We can remind ourselves that this will pass. We can remind ourselves that we have a support system of people. (if you do not have any supportive people in your lives, then call a mental health facility and find a group,or find a Church home where you can meet new people), There are many ways to build ones support team.
I feel I am very lucky indeed. I have a great job with wonderful people I can rely on. My friends are most always there for me. I have family that cares deeply for me. And I have a Church home where I am loved and respected. It takes time to build a great support team, but it is not an unrealistic task to achieve this.
So, I want to say thank you, to my friends, family, Church, and my followers on this blog for caring.
Being thankful in everything makes a huge difference. We can learn something from everything we experience. So, try and find the positive in every situation. As bad as we may feel sometimes with having symptoms, we can learn thankfullness. After all, someday, maybe real soon, we will all find ourselves helping someone else through a tough time. In order to be really effective at helping....we need life experience. And I think we qualify.

Until Next Time, Be Thankfull.

The New Year

I have been thinking....hopefully everyone's year so far is going well? I have done some rethinking on certain issues in my own life. This year, I am going to become more mindfull. More mindfull in regards to being thankful for what I already have, you know, even the basics in life. I am going to be doing less spending on myself, and be grateful for what I own already. I am going to be more mindfull about choices I make, even the smallest of choices. Another decision I have come to is that I am going to really appreciate the people in my life....accepting them as is, not wishing something to be different or try and change them. Just total acceptance. This is not a hard task in relation to friends, but it's different with family. We sometimes wish for better or different ones. And that is sad to me....because we are all worth being here, we all have a purpose and destiny to fullfill. We can forget being diagnosed for now, and just accept one another, as is. It sure makes for a happier life, a more content way to live!

Comments & Questions:

I want to apologize for not being about to answer your questions or reply to your comments lately. I am having some difficulty with my blog excepting the post. But I am working hard at getting this fixed. Thanks for your patience.